How To Say No
Vanessa Van Edwards • April 13, 2022
Do you find it hard to say “no”? You’re not alone.
In an experiment1 conducted by the University of Waterloo, individuals were asked to do something that went against their morals, such as damaging a library book. Even though they didn’t agree with the task, about half of them ended up doing it anyway.
This interesting study highlights a common challenge many people face: finding it hard to say “no,” even when something feels wrong.
Saying no is often challenging due to our innate drive to cooperate with others. Our genetics, forged from a millennia of evolution, inclines us to prioritize others’ needs—even before our own. The desire for social acceptance and fear of causing disappointment or conflict further urge us to agree, even when it’s against our best interests.
Let’s dive more into the why of how saying “no” can feel like quite the challenge.
We’re Programmed to Play Nice
Humans are social animals2; we’re hardwired to cooperate. Turning someone down? That’s like a glitch in the system, going against our instinct to keep the peace.
Everyone Wants to Be Liked
Admit it—we all crave that warm, fuzzy feeling of being accepted. Whether it’s self-esteem or our childhood experiences being a yes-kid, saying yes is often our golden ticket to fitting in.
Nobody Wants to Be “That” Person
Ever felt like you’ve twisted your own arm into saying yes? You’re not alone. Sometimes we say yes simply because we can’t bear to see that disappointed look in someone’s eyes. We all know rejection stings, and we’d rather dance around a ‘no’ than dish one out.
Standing Up for Ourselves? Easier Said Than Done
We’re taught to follow the rules, be polite, and keep the boat steady. But where’s the line? The difficulty in saying no lies in navigating these deeply embedded social norms without losing our ability to stand up for what we truly believe in.
Here’s why you should say no:
- Saying no frees up time for yourself. Let’s face it: there’s only so much you can cram into 24 hours. Whether you’re hustling toward your next big thing or just need to kick back and relax, constantly saying yes to others doesn’t leave much “me time.”
- Saying no teaches you to step out of your comfort zone. Think of saying no as the equivalent of taking a cold shower or making a toast at a party unprepared. It’s a thrill, it’s uncomfortable, but oh boy, does it build character! Saying no is like flexing a muscle —the more you do it, the stronger you become, and the more you get comfortable being out of your comfort zone.
- Saying no teaches you how to be assertive. Whether you’re at work, school, or just hanging out, being assertive puts you in the driver’s seat. Consider saying no your training wheels for being more assertive.
- Saying no isn’t as bad as you think. Worried about ruffling feathers? Trust me, most of the reasons that make saying no seem scary are all in your head. Most people get it; rejection happens. Heck, it might even earn you a respectful nod, especially if you’ve been the “yes person” for too long.
- Saying no helps you maintain integrity. Saying no allows you to align your actions with your core values. If something doesn’t fit your schedule or clashes with your beliefs, a respectful “no” keeps you true to yourself.
- Saying no can actually strengthen relationships. Sounds weird, right? But honesty truly is the best policy. Constantly saying yes might please people in the short term, but if you’re overcommitting and under-delivering, that’s a fast track to letdown city.
I think there is a common misconception surrounding therapy that it is used to get advice on situations from someone. Sometimes, clients want a clear picture of what to do next. “Set a boundary.” “Leave the relationship.” “If you do these 5 things, your anxiety and overthinking will stop.” The reality is, most therapists are actually trained to not give advice. I personally believe that the client is the expert of their own life. Although I am a trained expert in mental health, I cannot possibly be the “expert” in all of my clients lives. I don’t live their lives every day like they do. We are trained in mental health conditions, how they present and what can come from them, relational and family patterns, systems, etc. My goal as the therapist is to help you identify patterns, emotions, and behaviors, and work collaboratively with you to make your own changes. Therapy is the space to help you understand why you think and feel the way that you do. Although awareness isn’t everything, it is a large piece of the puzzle - because knowing what to do and being able to actually do it are two different things. Together, we can also explore barriers to different solutions and why they seem to have not worked for you previously. The fact that my goal is not to give advice doesn’t mean that therapy cannot be solution-focused at times. However, I look at therapy as letting the client “borrow” my regulated nervous system for the hour. What does that mean? It does not mean that I am regulating for them or solving their problems. What it means is that I have a goal of staying grounded and regulated during a session and modeling these things to the client, while they process things that are overwhelming for them. Hopefully, with enough time and safety and trust in therapy, the client can internalize some of this safety and steadiness enough to be grounded in making their own decisions. Therapy is not about being handed an instruction manual. It’s about developing the skills, insight, and self-understanding to navigate your own life with greater confidence and balance. Therapy doesn’t provide advice, but it hopefully allows you to connect to your own values and decide what is right for you.
The growth of Baldwin County is undeniable, ranking as the second fastest-growing county in
Alabama in 2023 with a 2.8% surge in residents. Many people are moving to the area and
choosing to raise their children in coastal Alabama paradise.
Parents are tasked with plenty of worries for their children each day; not only providing basic
needs, but fostering environments for growth, development, and attachment to caregivers.
Baldwin County residents are fortunate to have plenty of activities to participate in as a family,
therefore building positive and healthy interaction with children.
June is a celebratory month for many reasons, most notably the start of summertime, but many don’t realize this time of year is also Men’s Mental Health Month. While discussing such an important topic shouldn’t be confined to one month out of the year, it offers a great opportunity to reflect on the progress and conversely, persistent barriers that men still face when it comes to seeking professional help. MEN’S MENTAL HEALTH PICTURE BY THE NUMBERS It’s no secret that men have a lower likelihood of seeking mental health therapy compared to women. In fact, according to an American Psychological Association survey , just 35% of men stated they’d seek help from a mental health professional, as opposed to 58% of women. It should go without saying that men seek therapy not because they suffer from mental health conditions at lower rates. In fact, the opposite is true in many cases. According to Mental Health America , about six million men suffer from depression in the U.S. every year, and men are also more likely to suffer from substance abuse and experience much higher rates of suicide. Studies have shown that men also express symptoms of depression that don’t necessarily follow traditional guidelines of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder, or DSM. Rather than citing well-known effects, such as chronic fatigue, appetite changes, and lowered interest in hobbies, they often state external behaviors, such as alcohol consumption or aggression, which are often more difficult to associate with a clinical diagnosis. WAYS TO REDUCE STIGMA AROUND MEN’S MENTAL HEALTH Societal discourse and norms continue to lend credence to the notion that masculinity involves appearing tough and independent at all times. According to psychologist Dr. Brad Brenner : “Societal stigma and entrenched masculinity norms play pivotal roles in shaping men’s attitudes toward mental health problems and their willingness to seek help. The fear of being perceived as weak or vulnerable is a significant barrier. This is exacerbated by the traditional view of masculinity, which emphasizes strength, stoicism, and self-reliance, often at the expense of emotional expression and vulnerability.” Sharing therapy experiences publicly Myths fester when no individuals, or at least very few, are willing to criticize a long-held belief openly, and historically, that explains why many were embarrassed or ashamed to admit they went to therapy. But times have changed. Male therapy attendance still lags in the U.S. compared to women, though the strides made over the last decade are a testament to the heightened public discourse that is questioning these long-held beliefs about what it means to be “a man.” Men are increasingly willing to discuss their mental health journey, whether that involves seeking therapy or seeking medication for depression or anxiety. And that only propagates healthier and more transparent approaches to mental health, whether via social media or public figures. Creating and maintaining healthy community and relationships Hearing celebrities, advertisements or social media influencers talk about therapy is helpful, but penetrating deep-seated misconceptions must also involve one’s close relationships. Surrounding yourself with friends and family that allow you to authentically express yourself and show vulnerability is a big deterrent to depressive symptoms and can act as an antidote to some mental health side effects. Such an environment also allows us to feel more comfortable sharing our own struggles, which can help propel efforts to seek therapy. Normalizing men in mental health positions Men are more likely to feel indifferent about their therapists’ gender than women — who, on average, prefer a female therapist — but there are certainly benefits of men talking with a therapist of the same sex. Just like women may feel less shame and embarrassment talking to someone who has a firsthand understanding of female-specific challenges, men are also likely to feel that way about gender-related topics, whether societally imposed or otherwise. But because the majority of therapists and psychologists are females, it can further fuel the idea that mental health discussions are a “feminine” endeavor, and by extension, diminish one’s masculinity. In fact, women comprise nearly three-quarters of all new psychology doctorates and more than half of the psychology workforce, according to the APA’s Center for Workforce Studies . The more men go to therapy and discuss its benefits, however, the more other males will be encouraged to seek help, and eventually, they may also feel more motivated to enter the profession and provide much-needed representation. MAKING IT CONVENIENT TO FIND A COMPATIBLE THERAPIST Finding an available therapist who makes you feel comfortable, has availability that aligns with your schedule, and accepts your insurance can be difficult. Traditionally, the process was so cumbersome that it dissuaded many who were already apprehensive about therapy. But that’s no longer the case. Online directories, such as GoodTherapy , make the process seamless by allowing you to easily filter for the criteria you’re looking for, whether it’s by availability, price, insurance plan, or more.